My brain has always tried to identify patterns. It's how I like to look at pretty much everything from software to people to the ice cubes in my drink. The first thing I do when presented with something is to break it down and find the patterns to it. If I can find the patterns, I can understand it. If I can understand it, I can be comfortable with it.
It's true, every individual has their own patterns, but growing up into adulthood I made the mistake of buying into my own pattern. I grew up thinking that life was sequential. You did A then B and you'd eventually get to Z. No left turns, you followed the pattern and things just worked that way. I was in many ways very naive to the world around me.
The day I got married, we were fortunate enough to have a limo for about an hour. High off of my own fragile ego, I thought hey why not make a show of it and roll up to the nearest McDonald's for a bite before the day is out, full Desi wedding attire. As we were leaving, our limo broke down. I thought to myself, "Well now's your chance, you're already married so it's not like she can cut and run after the first 76 minutes. Shoot your shot."
Me: "I love you"
Her: "Thank you"
I 100% deserved the cringe you're feeling right now. I knew then that I couldn't just presume a pattern about her. I'd have to really figure her out. Years later after my psyche had repaired itself I asked my wife about that and she said, lovingly, that she couldn't bring herself to say it back because we barely knew each other then. We had only known each other for 10 weeks prior to marriage (this is not out of the norm in our tradition for those of you clutching your pearls). For my part, I had just assumed a sequential pattern of moments in life to apply here as well. You grow up, you get married, you love the person even if it's day one. I'm not even sure I knew what I said when I said it except that I felt like I was supposed to say it.
Now, I see a certain pattern of hers emerging (she has many). The first time I saw it, I didn't recognize it, but I do now. She has always had a vast and deep sense of commitment and resolve. With all of the tough news we've been receiving over the last month, I'd look over to her each time a big one landed and could see it in her eyes. She checks down, has her moment, steels herself, and takes the next step. I know I'm biased but this quality is exceptional. As verbose as I tend to be, I'm at a loss for how to describe my awe of it. She's been thanking me for being "strong" and standing beside her, but frankly, she makes it easy.
This past Friday was our 10 year anniversary and my wife mustered the energy to go out with me. I won't go into details but we kept it simple due to her still feeling the effects of chemo. It didn't matter what we did, we just wanted the time together and we took it. I had initially lamented the fact that we couldn't go to someplace exotic to celebrate and have a blast as many do, but looking back on how we did it and under the circumstances, I'm happy that we settled into familiar motions. In doing so, we were able to remember each other in our own familiar moments and focus on each other more deeply. It's funny how we quantify time so simply (10 years is ten years), but there's really no way to substantiate the density or the quality of those years. How do you put a number on the highs and lows spent with someone who was once a complete stranger, and over time through every moment becomes the biggest part of you?
My wife and I over the last decade have established our own patterns. We've always had a great energy between the two of us, and years of television and movies have told me that over time with more kids you tend to lose that energy. Though I'm happy to say that whenever we found a few moments to ourselves, and especially this past weekend, it's like we go right back to our first carefree moments together as a couple. It's comforting for me to know that underneath all of the day-to-day toil, her and I are still there, waiting for each other.
